How do very successful people ask unapologetically for what they want while the rest of us offer endless caveats or don’t speak up at all?
I’ve been thinking about a topic that came up in my conversation with Gagan Biyani at the Snafu Conference: manipulation.
Gagan has built his career in growth marketing: a subset of marketing and sales where data and storytelling can combine to create exponential user adoption. Gagan did that as the co-founder and CEO of Udemy, on the growth team at Lyft, as the founder of the food delivery company Sprig, and now as the CEO of edtech company Maven.
(Disclosure: I’m an investor in Maven.)
One of the reasons a lot of people are hesitant to advocate for themselves is the fear of promoting too heavily or making promises they can’t keep. In other words, of feeling manipulative.
The Fear of Manipulation
When I asked Gagan about manipulation on stage, he said that a fear of manipulation negates another person’s agency. Each person in a transaction is a sovereign individual responsible for their own decisions, Gagan argued, and manipulation doesn’t give enough credit to their ability to make decisions for themselves.
We can’t manipulate people, and shouldn’t worry about it.
It is true that everyone is responsible for their own behavior. I agree that the very people who are overly worried about manipulating others are the ones who’d benefit from worrying a little less. But as a painfully shy boy who used to be so afraid of being manipulative that I didn’t even try, I’m empathetic to feeling manipulative, as well.
Let’s Define Manipulation
Onstage at Snafu, Gagan said that he’s uncomfortable stating that courses offered by his company Maven will protect students against AI replacing their jobs. He is, however, comfortable saying Maven can help.
For me, it’s helpful to define manipulation. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “Manipulation is the dishonest or devious control/influence of people or situations to one’s advantage.” I’d paraphrase this as lying or deceiving at another person’s expense or my own benefit.
Power dynamics do exist. Buyers can be nudged past their own clarity.
Manipulation is trying to persuade with deception or without taking into account what’s best for the other person.
Boundaries
I’ve written about boundaries, and the ways in which clear boundaries can make negotiation and self-advocacy easier.
Boundaries are the lines someone holds – stated or unstated – past which they don’t want to go: whether in buying a product, going on a date, or just continuing to engage. But boundaries aren’t often explicitly stated. They are usually unstated or even unacknowledged by the person holding them.
The reason sales is stigmatized is because the worst salespeople push boundaries. The telemarketer who won’t stop calling and the used-car salesman who continues to insist on a sale are pushing boundaries; they’re not respecting a clear or unspoken “no.”
For those of us afraid of being manipulative, we’re actually afraid of pushing others’ boundaries.
Don’t Use Force
I first heard the phrase “don’t use force” from Doug Kirkpatrick, and liked the idea enough to write a chapter about it in Responsive: What It Takes To Create a Thriving Organization.
I detest pressure tactics and emotional bullying, perhaps because I was bullied growing up. The absence of force and pressure is the heart of my preferred method of relating, of influence and selling.
Of course, pressure can work. We can compel compliance. But pressuring someone to do something doesn’t feel good for either person during or afterwards. That feeling is what we’re afraid of when we’re afraid of feeling manipulative.
Most of us want to connect with other people. We want to help others. We may also want to be more influential, and even to change other people’s behavior, but we want to do so without judgment and pressure.
Pressure – the use of force to get what we want – is manipulation.
It’s Okay to Be Hesitant
I used to judge myself for my hesitancy to speak up. I compared myself to other people who unapologetically promoted themselves and their work, and found myself lacking.
It is easier to get ahead – to promote yourself, ask for what you want, ask someone out on a date – if you’re not worried about being manipulative. But I don’t want to feel sleazy or manipulative. I don’t want to use force.
And as someone who spent years not self-advocating out of the fear of feeling manipulative, I have empathy for that feeling.
The path forward is to respect boundaries, not use force, and challenge yourself to take small steps toward asking more.
