Category: Purpose

I’m traveling in Mexico with my family this week. It is really special: the first time in decades that my family has traveled internationally together and the first time we’re doing so with my two nephews. And operating in such close proximity reveals some habits that I don’t love.

We don’t use the word please, for example. Growing up, please was mostly used as a demand in moments of peak frustration. “Will you please do what I asked!” More generally, we (and I am very much included in this assessment) are not very good at asking directly for what we want.

Except for pushy telemarketers, most of us don’t ask for things directly. And almost nobody asks without some amount of demand or expectation.

But asking is really important – whether in closing a sale or voicing an opinion. Without a clear expression of what you want, it’s hard to get anywhere quickly.

Here are some habits that I’m practicing with my family – and will be exploring in more depth in a workshop on selling I’m planning for the New Year.

Recognize what you want

It is pretty hard to ask clearly for something that you aren’t clear about wanting, yourself.

Identify what you want. If you don’t know, write a list of things you might want and pick the ones that seem the best.

Know why

After you’ve recognized what you want, consider why. For a primer on finding your why, check out last week’s article on the topic.

Brainstorm a list of reasons why. Choose several! The more reasons, the stronger your desire will be.

Let fear be a guide

Fear is an excellent guide. When you’re afraid of selling your idea, your product, or voicing your opinion, that’s a great reason to move towards that fear, not away from it.

Start small

Starting small is a secret to unlocking any sort of behavior change.

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s ability to persuade, ask or close a deal. Just take the next small step from where you are currently.

Practice in advance

Asking for what you want requires rehearsal, just like athletic performance and everything else in life.

If you aren’t good at selling your idea, that’s probably because you haven’t practiced!

Start by writing out your pitch. I suggest writing out a pitch in three formats – one sentence, one paragraph, and one page.

Iterate as you go

Great salespeople – greats in any domain – don’t just get good at their thing and then stop progressing. They continue to iterate.

Learn from every pitch, notice what works and iterate as you go.

Ask for what you want

Ask for what you want!

When you are talking to someone, writing to someone, speaking to them on the phone, or promoting your thing on social media, end with a clear ask.

“Would you like to buy?”
“Would you like to go to dinner?”
“Do you agree with my opinion?”

Get feedback

A day or a week after you’ve tried to sell someone or pitch your idea, ask them about their experience. How was it received? Is there anything they think you could have done better?

​

There’s a lot about my family that I’m grateful for. And we come with quirks and challenges.

I’m not proud of the extent to which I don’t comfortably use the word “please” and hesitate to make my opinion known. But when I see those dynamics within the broader context of my family, I have a bit more empathy and understanding.

The only way to get better at asking for what you want is by observing where you are now and taking the next steps from there.

Enjoy your holidays and see you next week,

Robin

Two years ago, my best friend was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer. They are among the most optimistic people I’ve ever met and it has been incredible to watch them assess why they are undergoing the difficult surgeries, procedures, and daily efforts that have made up their treatment.

The thing that I’ve watched them do – more intentionally than I’ve ever seen someone practice before – is come up with specific reasons why they are going through those difficult procedures.

In order to change your own or someone else’s behavior you have to have a reason why you or they should change. The stronger the reason, the easier it is to do things that are otherwise out of reach.

Here are some habits to discover and reinforce your reasons why, whether in persuading someone else or trying to change your own behavior. 

Who is it for?

One of the simplest ways to strengthen your rationale for tackling any other audacious goal is to understand who you serve. 

When I started my old restaurant, Robin’s Cafe, I did so because I was very clear about the variety of reasons I had for building the business.

• Employees – I deliberately created Robin’s Cafe as a great place to work 
• Investors – I borrowed money from 5 different people to begin the restaurant. These people were literally invested in the success of the business.
• Landlord – The landlord was also invested in the success of my business. If the restaurant performed poorly, that would reflect poorly on the landlord, and if it did well, they looked good, too.
• Customers – Serving customers isn’t enough, by itself, to make a successful business. But it is a necessary component!
• Me – Both financially and emotionally. If I was not earning enough from the business to keep going, I would have to shutter the company. But equally, I started the business for what I knew I would learn along the way.

I was only able to take on such an audacious undertaking by having lot of clear reasons why.

Habit: List out the different individual people or groups of people that would benefit from your things being successful.

Brainstorm a list of reasons

Since my friend’s cancer diagnosis, they have gone through two major surgeries and uncountable treatments. Many of those treatments, in turn, have caused additional problems, which require their own treatments.

Every few months, we sit down together and list out the reasons why they are spending all of their time and tens of thousands of dollars on treatments. We list out lots of things: their children, their spouse, serving as a role model, teaching others and staying alive until better testing and treatment becomes available.

Habit: Write out a list of reasons why you are trying to tackle this audacious undertaking.

Brainstorming isn’t the time for editing

I always have to remind myself that brainstorming isn’t the time to critique my ideas. I’m tempted to critique a list of brainstormed ideas even while I create them. But that negates the creative exercise.

Habit: When you are brainstorming, resist the temptation to censor or judge your ideas. List out reasons why, without considering if they are good or bad, or how true they might be.

Revisit your reasons regularly

After you’ve written out reasons why, come back to that list regularly. My friend, for example, found that celebrating their life in Puerto Rico and the beautiful views they wake up to each morning was a powerful reason for them to go through tough treatments. 

As they delved into this reason, in particular, they recognized both their joy during tough times and also their excitement for life post-cancer, when they could enjoy these things even more. Double bonus!

Habit: Revisit your reasons and rationales. When you find one that is particularly juicy, explore it further to strengthen your resolve.

Ask other people for creative ideas why

When I was at my lowest points building Robin’s Cafe – and there were many of them! – I would turn to other people for help. Restaurateurs who’d been through it before, entrepreneurs in other industries, family and friends. Even books, like famed restaurateur Danny Meyer’s Setting the Table, which I gifted to each new employee. 

Each of these conversations would remind me of some aspect of the business I appreciated. Of a great employee or a great experience. To this day, my mother talks fondly of the avocado toast and gallery space at Robin’s Cafe! 

Habit: Ask for help with your reasons why. Listen to what people say, write down their suggestions.

Don’t Ask “Why Not”

Once I’ve settled on a course of action – for example, starting a new business – I purposefully don’t ask myself the question “why not.” Doing so – querying myself why I should not do something that I’ve already decided to do – leads to stagnation.

If the goal is to continue moving forward, then explore your reasons for that course of action, not against it.

Habit: Ask yourself why; don’t ask yourself “why not?” If you do feel the need to explore “why not,” do so deliberately and separately from your explorations of the reasons for the behavior you are wanting to take.

We found out this week that my friend is NED, or there is no evidence of disease. This is great news! And while there’s no causal proof, I’d bet anything that my friend’s optimism contributed. 

Whether your desire is to persuade someone you love, sell your services, or change your own behavior, the more clearly you have your reasons why, the easier it will be.

My best friends are crazy.

I just returned home from a month living with some of my best friends on Vieques, a tiny island off of Puerto Rico.

They don’t live on “mainland” Puerto Rico. Instead, they’re on a tiny island, only accessible by an irregular ferry or an eight-seater airplane.

They are building a bed and breakfast overlooking a stunning 270-degree view of the Caribbean Ocean and the world’s most luminous bioluminescent bay. They are building out of concrete because anything not made of concrete gets destroyed by hurricanes. But getting concrete, or simply groceries, is a full-day journey that requires careful preparation and timing.

All the difficulties are exactly why my friends moved to Vieques. For the love of a challenge.

Do More Scary Things

I appreciate the irony. Do hard things, move to the Caribbean!

And while most of us probably aren’t going to move to a tiny island in order to make our lives more difficult, there are a lot of simple habits that can help.

Identify One Thing Every Day That Scares You

Identify something that scares you.

• Notice someone you are intimidated by.
• Recognize a moment when you avoided speaking up.
• Identify one moment in your day when you feel physically nervous or afraid.

You don’t need to take action – not yet! Just bring attention to one uncomfortable moment.

Start with awareness.

A Daily Movement Practice

There is a lot to be said for daily exercise.

Exercise is hard. When you push your physical limits, you get better at pushing the boundaries of what’s possible everywhere else in your life, too.

Unfortunately, more than two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, so clearly pressuring people to exercise doesn’t work.

My approach to movement is different. Having broken my neck on a trampoline, I also know the negative consequences of pressure. Instead, I make a habit of moving every day to build the confidence that I can learn new things.

If you’re interested, here’s a short video about my movement practice.

Coffee Shop Challenge (h/t Tim Ferriss)

Try this challenge: go to your local coffee shop and ask for a 20% discount.

The rules are that you are not allowed to give any explanation for why you are requesting a discount or any additional details alongside your request. If asked why, just say that you would like a discount and that is why you are asking.

The point of this exercise is that you are going to be uncomfortable. It will take you outside of your comfort zone.

Notice how it feels to make this request. Notice the tension in your body and your voice. It doesn’t ultimately matter if you get a discount or not, so long as you try.

(As a former coffee shop owner, please give that 20% back to your barista as a tip!)

Do Something Difficult Every Day

Do one thing today that is out of your comfort zone. It could be as small as a short exchange with a stranger, a much-needed conversation, or advocating for your opinion.

• Thank someone in their native language – If you first have to learn to say “thank you” in a language you don’t speak, all the better.
• Have a conversation with your spouse or a friend – You probably have something that you’ve been meaning to share, but haven’t gotten around to saying yet. Say it!
• Try to persuade someone of something – We are all selling to and inviting each other constantly. Advocate for your preferred restaurant or movie.

​

When my friends first moved to Vieques, I was skeptical. I’m all for beautiful ocean views, but it was so remote and isolated. (And the hurricanes!)

Now that I’ve spent a month living in that remote paradise, I understand their motivation a little better. Living there is difficult. Every day is a stretch. And that’s the point.

In a world where I – and probably you – enjoy every other modern convenience, it is easy to get complacent.

Perhaps we could all use a bit more discomfort in our lives.

We all have habits and behaviors that we acknowledge are important to do – and which we will come up with any justification to avoid. Cold calling a sales prospect, a difficult conversation with a loved one, or your least favorite chore.

I feel most alive when I do two things every day: my movement practice and writing. But, just as I procrastinate before getting into my cold plunge, I can come up with an infinite number of reasons to avoid sitting down to write. 

I haven’t written regularly since since 2017, when I published Responsive: What It Takes To Create a Thriving Organization. And the process of finishing Responsive was so painful that afterwards I stopped writing altogether. (Much of that challenge actually came because during that same period I sold Robin’s Cafe while going through a very difficult breakup. It was a difficult year.)

This spring, I’ve finally built back my daily writing habit and recognized that the real reason I haven’t written regularly is “Resistance,” which was coined by Steven Pressfield in the The War of Art, to describe why we don’t do our most important work. 

In today’s article I’ll break down some habits and tactics for recognizing Resistance, and then next week I’ll share habits for overcoming Resistance.

Identify Resistance

The first step is to identify Resistance. 

It’s taken me six years to realize that writing every day was something I was avoiding. Having identified that, I can now begin building habits towards writing more regularly.

Whatever the thing is that you’ve been avoiding, ask yourself if the underlying reason you’re avoiding that behavior is Resistance?

What’s your most important work?

You know the most important work that you need to do. When you find yourself coming up with any excuse to avoid taking that action, that’s a good indicator that you are succumbing to Resistance.

Look for the moments of pride or excitement in your life. These might give an indication of what you could be doing more of.

One question to ask yourself is “What are the habits or behaviors that you would like to do more of – but aren’t?” 

What one action will move everything else forward?

In work, and in life, there are always a few actions that will have an outsized impact. 

• the person you most need to call
• an email that you’ll feel relieved having sent
• the sale you need to close
• the unopened pile of bills to pay
• the one food you need to cut from your diet

Whatever the thing is that creates the biggest point of leverage in your personal or professional life, chances are, if you’re not taking that action, the reason why is Resistance.

What are you already doing (at least in some way)?

Many of my proudest professional moments in the last decade have incorporated writing:

• publishing my first book, How to do a Handstand
• drafting the Craigslist ad that ultimately sold Robin’s Cafe
• writing my first commercial script at Zander Media
• this newsletter!

While I haven’t published a book since 2017, or published on my blog consistently in years, I do write – and I feel good when I do.

How does this make you feel – afterwards?

Practice things that are hard, but that leave you feeling great afterwards.

While I love the taste of a good cocktail, I stopped drinking 18 months ago because I’d consistently sleep poorly.

By contrast, getting into my cold plunge is really hard beforehand, but when I get out, I feel absolutely fantastic.

Fear is a good north star

Fear is often a good guide for what to focus on. 

Of course, a fear of heights shouldn’t automatically dictate that you take up BASE jumping, but there is always a kernel of directional focus behind what you are afraid of. 

Follow your fear.

What did you want to be as a kid?

What did you want to be when you grew up? For me, it wasn’t a writer, but a drummer or a professional skier. In other words, an entertainer.

The thing I like most about writing – or creating at Zander Media, for that matter – is creating content that helps people to connect and enables change.

While there isn’t a one-to-one correlation between what you wanted to be and Resistance, there can be clues from your history.

That’s it for now! Next week, I’ll share some habits for overcoming resistance. Meantime, though, respond back to this email and share something you’ve been avoiding!

Best,
Robin

I turned 37 earlier this week and thought it would be a fun creative constraint to list out thirty-seven lessons learned in the last few decades.

Drop me an email and let me know your favorite, or if there’s one you think I missed!

Follow the thread of your interest – The best way to learn anything new is to follow your curiosity. You never know where the threads of your interest will take you and this kind of self-directed learning is much more fun.

Growth isn’t linear –  You can’t estimate your progress by looking at who you were yesterday. Growth doesn’t happen that way.

What you practice is who you become – If you want to judge progress, look at the habits you practiced today and the direction they point. That will show you who you’ll become. 

Motivation comes in waves – Motivation isn’t constant. While it is a skill you can practice, it also comes in waves. When you’re feeling motivated, harness it. (I am at my most creative in the morning, so I’ve learned to harness that momentum, not work against it.)

Know what fuels you – We all derive energy from different sources. Know what gives you energy, and use it.

Change is inevitable – Trying to fight change is like trying to fight gravity. Since things are going to change, you might as well celebrate it when they do. 

Everyone begins where they are – We can only begin from where we are. And that’s a good thing.

Small habits are everything – Every tectonic shift grows from a small beginning. Focus on the small habits, and the big changes will take care of themselves.

Start smaller – Make a new habit so small that accomplishing it is practically inevitable. And when you think you’ve gotten as small as possible, go smaller still.

Celebrate to reinforce – Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Celebration removes your self-judgment and cements a new habit.

Habit stacking – Good habits build on each other. (Bad habits do, too.) Cultivate one new habit, and then layer the next one just afterwards.

Small is smaller than you think – Make a new habit so small that doing it is practically inevitable.

Don’t judge when you backslide – Judging yourself when you regress just means that you feel bad about yourself. Instead of judging, acknowledge what’s changed, and then continue to build.

Failure isn’t failure – Failure isn’t a permanent state. Years later, you’ll look back and have learned something from the experience. If you’re going to do that later, you might as well do that now!

Comparison is the thief of joy – Comparing yourself to someone else or against all of the things that you haven’t accomplished yet removes any chance of appreciation for where you are now. 

Competition is fuel – Competition can be good fuel to do difficult things. Competition against yourself is healthier than competition against someone else. (See Comparison.)

Physical activity makes everything better – There aren’t a lot of things that can’t be improved by physical activity.

Get outside – A short walk. Glimpse the sky. Climb a mountain. Get outside and you’ll feel better.

Love the process – The key to learning anything well is to fall in love with the process.

Prioritize mindfulness – Good things come from carving out time for mindfulness and introspection. Find an approach that works for you, and then practice.

Pursue positive addictions – Get “addicted” to things that are healthy for you.

Child-like, not child-ish – Maintaining child-like wonder makes for a much more enjoyable experience and life. This attitude shouldn’t be confused for child-ish.

Skepticism is overrated – It is easier to criticize and doubt. Skepticism is an excuse for avoiding action. Be bold.

Go all in – When you’ve decided to try something, go all in. Even if you change your mind later, when you go all in you’ll learn faster, enjoy it more, and won’t second-guess afterward.

Optimism is a superpower – Cultivate an optimistic worldview, and things are much more likely to go your way.

Attitude over words – Your attitude comes through, regardless of the words you use. Prioritize how you show up over the words you speak. 

Ask more loving questions – Ask questions with love and attention. These questions allow someone to see themselves more clearly, which is a gift.

Vulnerability – Vulnerability is at the heart of connection and positive growth. When you show up with vulnerability, you invite others to do the same. 

Bravery – Fear is a great north star. If you’re afraid of doing something, that’s probably a good indicator to consider doing it.

Play to your strengths – Know what you do uniquely well, and do more of that.

Don’t forget bystander apathy – The bystander effect is a powerful force that allows each of us to justify inaction. The key to overcoming bystander apathy is to remember it exists. 

Variable reinforcement – we’re all subject to variable reinforcement. Use this to your advantage to reinforce the behaviors you want.

Remember The Dip – There’s a point in any learning curve when most people quit. When you’ve decided to do something difficult, remember The Dip.

It is all make-believe – We create our reality. Don’t like it? Reinvent. (Read Illusions.)

Grant yourself grace – We all make mistakes. Grant yourself, and others, grace to try again.

History rhymes – It is often said that history doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme. Your history rhymes, too.

Time for money – Don’t trade your time for money, unless it is also spent doing something you love or the learning is worth it.

Who you are is more important – Are you kind to waitstaff? Do you prioritize the most important people in your life? These things are more important than your list of accomplishments.

I’m turning 35 today and thought I would take a moment to write some of my lessons learned from the last several years.

Move everyday.
I’ve always had a pretty thorough movement practice, but among the most positive changes in my last 5 years is the fact that I now move every single day. I’ve found that one of the biggest, simple changes anyone can make is a routine to get your body in motion. What’s interesting to you? What’s a thread, an exploration, a discipline of study that you’d like to pull on? Go try it! These bodies of ours are meant to move.

Find work that you love. Keep looking until you do.
I enjoyed much of what I did professionally 5 years ago, but that pales by comparison to the amount of delight I get from my work today. As someone who has had more than 40 different jobs in more than 15 different industries, I can tell you that it’s really tempting to settle. You don’t have to settle for good enough! Keep looking.

Work with people you love.
While the work matters, doing it with people that you love matters even more. Among the most positive characteristics of my work today is that I get to spend my working life with people I enjoy. Find those people that you are proud to work alongside, and build your professional life with them.

Fear is a good guide.
I’ve often gone towards fear, but it’s only in the last year that I’ve recognized, specifically, that fear can be a useful guide. It’s natural that we move away from things that we are afraid of. That’s fine: it keeps us safe. But sometimes, it can be useful to go towards the things we are fearful of, instead. There’s a lot to be learned in those shadows.

Everything takes the time that it takes.
As somebody who prides himself on his ability to move quickly, patience with myself is a hard won feat. In the many years that I was dissatisfied with my work, I was constantly pressuring myself to have already found my perfect career path. Over many years of wanting a family member to take better care of himself, I was always wanting him to change more quickly. We don’t get to decide how quickly or how slowly things change.

You don’t get to control people. (And actually, it is none of your business.)
Years ago, my friend, Dana Casperson, told me “you don’t get to control people, and actually, it is none of your damn business!” This has been hard feedback for me to receive, and I’ve repeated that quote to myself many times over the years. I’ve often derived meaning from trying to “help” (control) people whom I love. We don’t get to. Practice letting go of the desire for control.

“You’ve always been a little bit slow.”
Something my Dad said to me on my 30th birthday – jokingly, but with a grain of truth: “Robin, it’s okay. You’ve always been a little bit slow.” I’ve accomplished a lot that I’m proud of in the last 35 years and some are things that most people don’t let themselves even dream of trying. But I also went on my first date at 19, years later than anyone else I knew, and am frequently the last person to recognize something new about myself that’s obvious to everyone else around me. While I have excelled in many areas in my life, I have also moved slowly in areas that my peers are much quicker. That’s fine. Going slow works, too.

Get familiar with grief.
This has been a particularly hard one for me, having gone through two substantial heartbreaks in the last 5 years. I haven’t found that grief gets any easier, but I’ve found that I can develop better toolsets to help deal with it. Endings, deaths, and partings are a natural and inevitable part of our lives. It helps to practice getting familiar with grief.

Relationships get better with time. “Make new friends, but keep the old.”
I was pretty antisocial until 19 and then turned a corner and learned the name of every single person in my entering class in college. I love meeting new people. (And a good thing too, since that’s most of my job today!) But novelty doesn’t hold a candle compared to my most intimate friendships that go back 10+ years. Relationships get better with time. Make room for that.

Leave room for introspection.
I’ve long had the tendency to distract myself by being busy when things get tough. It turns out, at least for me, that when I leave more room for introspection, growth happens more quickly and way more gently! I’m blessed that I have bandwidth in my life today for a lot of quiet introspection. But however you do it, leave room for yourself, too.

Read more.
Along with my propensity to get busy, I frequently don’t make enough time for reading. It feels like cheating – taking time for myself, selfishly, to learn. But in a world that is filled with distractions, I find so much delight in handling a physical book and diving into someone else’s world. So this advice is mostly just for myself: read more.

Play more.
Anyone who knows me knows that I can be very playful. Not usually childish, but frequently childlike. There’s a lot to take seriously in the world right now. Balance that with play.

There is such a thing as too much caffeine.
5 years ago I would have believed no such thing. Maybe I’m just getting old, but I sleep better at night if I stop drinking aged pu-erh after noon.

The last year and a half has been tumultuous for everybody. Beyond that, in the last 5 years, my personal and professional life have changed more than I could have conceived. These practices have become bedrock in my life. I’m going to spend the next five years deepening these and developing more. I wish you well in finding yours!