I recently started dating somebody new. She’s a fellow athlete, owns her own business and I’m quite excited. Unfortunately, it’s unclear if she’s available for the kind of relationship that I want.

The solution is to want what is best for the other person, even over what you want for yourself. And this is true whether you are selling a product, hiring an employee, or dating someone new!

It is hard to want what’s best for the other person while still advocating for your desired outcomes. Here are some things that can help…

Generate goodwill

I use the example of the Santa in the Miracle on 34th Street to depict the benefits of a well-executed sale.

In the movie, the department store Santa sends eager customers to a different department store because that store has exactly the right product for that customer.

The store manager is furious that Santa is sending people elsewhere – until he sees that customers are returning and buying more, because of the goodwill that Santa has generated.

In business, and in life, positive word of mouth can determine success. When you do the right thing, you’re more likely to succeed.

Don’t be too eager

I first learned to negotiate in the busy marketplaces of Oaxaca, Mexico as a child. I went back to Oaxaca with my family this winter and one thing I wanted to buy was a new leather belt.

I found a local market and one leather seller, who had a wide assortment of beautiful leather goods.

I began the process of negotiating for the belt I liked. The stall purveyor was polite, and completely unattached. When I returned hours or days later, she showed no sign of recognizing me.

She wasn’t pushy, but she had clear boundaries on price. And between the dozens of people passing her stall, she also didn’t have a lot of time to spare for one customer who wasn’t in a hurry to buy.

That stall owner didn’t have my best interest in mind. She wanted to make a sale! But she also wasn’t pushy.

And that freedom gave her a lot of flexibility when it came to making a successful sale.

As a result of her non-urgent attitude, I not only did buy a belt from her – I purchased two. I left satisfied and will refer other people to her in the future.

Maintain clear boundaries

One of the things that I loved about the leather goods seller is that she had clear boundaries. She did not need me to buy but was happy to entertain some amount of bargaining if I showed up in good faith. On an early visit, I proposed a price that was laughably low. She declined and moved on to another customer.

Know where your boundaries lie – the price of what you are selling; the amount of time you’re willing to spend.

It never helps to give more than you are comfortable with in the hope that the other person will come around. When you self-sacrifice, they won’t.

Invite, then leave it alone

Invite towards the outcome you want and then remain unattached to the outcome.

Invite someone on a date or ask them to buy what you are selling. Observe how they respond! And, if they don’t, that tells you everything you need to know.

It is too early yet to say where my new romance will go. But I’m reminded that when I don’t cling to a specific outcome, I’m more likely to get what I want.

Homework

What is an outcome that you are attached to?

It could be the specific outcome of a sale, but it might also be something much more personal.

Identify 1-2 real life examples where you are attached to things going a certain way. If you’d like, email me with your examples!

Then, practice, just for a minute, asking “What’s best for the other person?”

That simple question, asked with curiosity and not with a sense that you know better, will likely make things easier.

Until next week,
Robin

I’ve told the story of starting Robin’s Cafe with no experience and selling it on Craigslist hundreds of times.

What’s funny is I’m actually most proud of the culture we built behind the counter, the amount of learning I went through in learning to operate the cafe, and the role the cafe played in creating community in that neighborhood.

But when I mention selling a restaurant on Craigslist, I invariably get a laugh. “Craigslist?” People ask, incredulous.

Stories are the reason people buy from us – our ideas, our services, even our avocado toast. In order to sell, you need to tell a great story.

Everything is storytelling

You are already telling stories all the time.

• Hiring requires telling a story about your company.
• Deciding what movie to watch with friends requires telling a story about your point of view.
• Persuading your kid to eat their broccoli means telling a story about that oh-so-delicious vegetable.

The stories we tell ourselves become how we think of ourselves and the stories we tell others define those relationships.

The first step to telling a good story is to recognize that you already are.

Homework

Take note of a story you’ve told recently. I like to do this during my morning journaling. Take two minutes to note down a story that you told someone yesterday.

See What Sticks

The parts of a story that matter the most to you aren’t necessarily the things that matter to your audience.

When it comes to Robin’s Cafe, I’m more proud of having opened up a restaurant in 3 weeks, but that tends to fall flat. I’m proud of the culture we had behind the counter, but without experiencing it, that’s not of great interest to the listener. The moment I get a chuckle is when I share that I sold the cafe on Craigslist.

You aren’t telling a story for yourself, but for the person you are talking to.

Homework

Look for reactions. Aspects of your story will land and other parts won’t. That’s useful information! Save the parts that illicit a reaction for your next telling.

Notice What Stories You Already Tell

In 2020, I moved into a house in the woods with my partner. Within a couple of weeks, my partner was parroting back to me a handful of stories that – apparently – I told all the time on Zoom. I hadn’t realized that I was repeating so many of the same stories on different calls!

Even if you aren’t aware of it yet, you are telling other people stories all the time. Pay attention to those stories, and use them as fodder as you refine your narrative.

Homework

When you are beginning to sell something new – as sophisticated as a new business or as simple as asking a friend to lunch – write down a list of possible stories that might help you accomplish your goal.

Refine and Hone Your Stories

We take for granted that a comic has to practice their jokes, or an athlete their sport, thousands of times for every single performance. It is less obvious that that storytelling, too, is a craft.

Every time you tell a story is a chance to iterate and improve your storytelling craft.

Homework

Try telling a story in a subtly different way. Add a new variation or detail, and notice how your audience reacts.

Emotion > Rationality

When we foster connection with another person, we create the opportunity for change.

Facts and figures are great, but they don’t accomplish much without the wrapper of a good story. To get someone even just to listen to your data, you have to form an emotional connection.

We like to tell ourselves that we are rational, but most of our behaviors come down to emotion.

Homework

As you head into your next meeting or difficult conversation with your spouse, ask yourself how you want them to feel.

We don’t get to control another person’s emotions, but just considering how you’d like for them to feel will influence how you show up and the course of the interaction.

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A good story doesn’t guarantee in a successful sale, but without a good story your attempt to sell probably won’t work. Storytelling is necessary, but not sufficient.

Hone your storytelling skills, by noticing and improving the stories that you already tell, and you’ll be better able to move your audience – and your objectives – forward.

Last week, I wrapped up a two and a half million dollar fundraise!

That is, by far, the most money I have ever tried to raise. One of the issues I had to face was my fear of the close, of asking the question, “Would you like to invest?”

It is one thing to tell a good story, complete with compelling data. It is more difficult to ask someone to purchase what you are selling.

I can’t share the specifics of why, together with a few close friends, we were trying to raise the two and a half million dollars, but we were ultimately successful, even though the deal fell through.

As I went through the process, I wrote down reasons why I was afraid to make the final close and some strategies to address each of those fears.

Concern: Taking advantage of people

One of the most common concerns I hear about selling is the fear of taking advantage of your prospective customer.

Most people find coercive salesmen offensive. But there is a big difference between relying on pressure to close your deal, and never asking people to buy in the first place.

If I’d let my fear of taking advantage of someone stop me, I’d never have started Robin’s Cafe, Responsive Conference or Zander Media. More importantly, I wouldn’t have developed the courage that I’ve learned along the way.

Answer: They get to decide

Define what you mean by “taking advantage of people.”

Inherent in that phrase is the belief that you can force people to do things against their better judgment. And while I could, theoretically, use physical force or the threat of violence, the kind of gentle persuasion that I encourage is the furthest thing from that force.

Here’s my shortcut: If you are the kind of person worried about forcing or coercing someone, you don’t need to worry about taking advantage of your prospective customer.

The person you are talking to gets to decide what’s best for them. There is no such thing as “taking advantage of someone” when you don’t use force, believe that they are their own best expert and trust that they will decide for themselves.

Concern: Using force and pressure

Inexperienced sales people don’t close a deal or make their ask because they are afraid to pressure their prospects. And the experience of being pressured by a salesperson is unpleasant.

I have built up a robust immune response to that kind of pressure. If someone pressures me, I leave, even if the pitch was something I’d otherwise have agreed to.

But as unpleasant as being pressured is, being a pushy salesperson yourself is more so. The fear of pressuring someone else can be so intense that that we don’t even try to sell.

Answer: Know your emotional state

To ensure that you aren’t using force or pressure, learn to assess your own emotional state. If you’re not sure how you are feeling, check in.

Pressure usually comes from the significance we’re placing on a specific sale. I don’t sell unless the thing I’m selling really matters to me. And if it matters that much, I can get attached to the outcome.

Any single sale isn’t worth the feeling of having pressured someone else.

Use that knowledge to let go of your own pressure. Know yourself and what you are feeling. Ensure that you aren’t feeling pressure. Then show up with your customer with the desire to help.

Concern: Rejection

I learned to juggle in high school, and eventually became quite good. Inherent in juggling is dropping balls, which we could call failing to juggle.

Inherent in asking people for things is being rejected, being told “no.” That’s a part of selling.

Getting turned down when something matters can be unpleasant, absolutely, but it can also be just another data point. As with dropped balls while juggling, get rejected is part of the process.

Answer: Rejection is less scary than you think

Oftentimes, our fear of rejection is the thing we’re actually scared of, even more than the declination itself.

In selling, a rejection means nothing about you. It is actually great because it provides you data about how to improve and the simple clarity to move on to your next prospect.

Since clear answers in life are pretty uncommon, a rejection is cause to thank your prospect for their clarity. They were able to give you a clear answer, which is a compliment to everyone involved.

Concern: Danger to your reputation

Another common fear is that asking people to buy your thing will endanger your reputation.

Sorry to break it to you, but people will judge you based on what you ask for, what you promise and what you deliver.

Answer: Sell things you are very confident in

The answer is to have the utmost confidence in what you are selling and then to be very honest about the the risks and benefits involved.

Homework

Next time you are on a sales call or ask a friend to lunch, notice what concerns come up for you. (I keep a pen and paper nearby to take notes.)

Take a few notes about how you are feeling. Afterward, come back to the specifics of the sale and evaluate your feelings.

Assess how you felt and why you felt that way. What were you believing about yourself and the other person?

The more practiced you become at identifying your concerns, and the more you explore them, the better you’ll be at addressing and avoiding those fears in the future.